If you are looking for a parenting handbook, look no further. The Family Virtues Guide written by Linda Kavelin Popov offers you a manual that delivers the best foundation possible of how to raise a child in any culture or society.

Her ‘Simple Ways to Bring Out the Best in Our Children and Ourselves’ contain valuable insights in who our children really are, parenting principles and practices and how to apply The Family Virtues Guide in your family.

A description of 52 ‘Gifts Within’  helps to understand each virtue, why to practice it, how to practice it, how to recognise when a virtue is practised and when it needs more attention as well as an affirmation and a drawing to visualise an example.

It is a book that should be given or at least recommended to each new parent – the earlier the better.

Have a look inside and find out why The Family Virtues Guide is one of those books that have the potential to make the world a better place – one person at a time!

In fact, responsibility is one of the key indicators to living authentically and taking your life in your own hands.

Responsibility is the thing people dread most of all. Yet it is the one thing in the world that develops us, gives us manhood or womanhood fiber. – Frank Crane

What Responsibility is not

Even though responsibility may appear to be an opportunity to load blame on someone else’s shoulder, this is not what it is about. This perception comes from misunderstanding the concept of responsibility.

When I was working in my first job as a sales representative in a (then) big company that produced, sold and maintained sewing machines, I was the PA to the Head of Department for Overseas Sales. He had a weird concept of responsibility:

Everything had to be reported to and endorsed by him, yet when something went wrong it was always us – the ones who were in “the lower hierachie” – who had to face the music.

While every day he gave us a lecture about how generously he gave us responsibility and freedom of choice how to get to a certain result, in fact there was only one way things had to be done: his.

If you are familiar with the term “This is how we do things, because they have always been done that way!”, you may be able to comprehend how not only frustrating, but also confusing it felt to get these contradictory messages.

Assigning responsibility to someone is not meant to be an excuse for having someone to blame in case something ‘goes wrong’ or does not work out as planned.
Neither is it meant to be a punishment as in “you asked for it, now deal with it”.

What is Responsibility?

Responsibility is a gift.

It is an opportunity to deal with an unexpected situation and find a satisfying solution, to make a choice how we want to respond to an event.

Things happen that we can’t control or influence, but what we can choose is our response to what is happening. Our response is always a choice.

Responsibilities gravitate to the person who can shoulder them. – Tom Stoppard

Here is an interesting equation:

Responsibility = Choice; Choice = Power;  that means:

Responsibility = Power, right? Right!

The Power is yours

The moment you choose to take on responsibility for your actions and for your non-actions is the beginning of a new life, a life that you then take in your own hands.

Feel this for a moment:
“It’s not my fault”;
“I didn’t ask for this”;
“There is nothing I can do”;

Can you see how powerless this comes across? I bet you can almost hear it being sad in a whining voice.

Now check this:
“I don’t like what happened, but what could it be good for?”
“What is the beauty/positive/learning in this?”
“How can I turn this around anyway?”

How does that feel?

Instead of reacting with a “Why me?”, how about taking on the challenge with a confident
“Bring it on – it’s me because I have the resources I need to deal with it!” Wouldn’t you agree that this is so much more powerful!

How could you change your life today if you would choose to see responsibility as a source of power?
How much more authentic could you live if you would accept that you have all the resources you need within you?
How relaxed would you be if you knew that responsibility is a gateway to peace, freedom and happiness?
What would it mean to you to know that you have everything you need to take your life in your own hands?

The willingness to accept responsibility for one’s own life is the source from which self-respect springs. – Joan Didion

To find out where you have not yet fully taken responsibility for your life, send an e-mail to info[at]transitionguidance.com or call 07 4774 8146 today and ask for our free “Who’s Driving Your Bus?” assessment.

The power to take your life in your own hands can be yours. If you choose to accept the responsibility for it.

Often these feelings are feeding from each other, creating a downward spiral that leaves us with bitterness, as ‘victims’ and in an un-resourceful , very stressful  and often painful state.

From here, physical or mental violence, anxiety or depression can be only one step away.

When dealing with painful and stress promoting emotions, the only way to respond is with emotions  that get you in balance –  physically, mentally and spiritually. For the above feelings, one of the best and most resourceful responses is forgiveness.

The effects of forgiveness on your body

• reduces the stress and the adrenalin level (which initiates our fight or flight modus)
• lowers blood pressure (which cools down excitement)
• slows down the heart beat (which reduces the risk of heart attacks)
• decreases the risk of gall and kidney stones (which often develop through continuous  living on a high stress level)

The effects of forgiveness on your mind

• allows you to connect with your inner resources (instead of using external stimulants like sugar, alcohol or drugs)
• helps you to relate to your own power and strength (instead of giving it away)

The effects of forgiveness on your spirit

• creates a positive chain reaction of supporting emotions like understanding, compassion, connection
• enables you to feel peaceful

How do you get to a state of forgiveness?

Forgiveness isn’t something that automatically comes to you, but it is a state that you can reach easily, if you commit to the process of change.

An important presupposition is to recognise and accept the value of forgiveness and how it can change your life for the better.

Forgiving is an active choice to do so. This doesn’t mean that we excuse or give permission to repeat or continue the hurting person’s behaviour. By you forgiving, it doesn’t make the hurtful action better, right or acceptable.

But it does mean that you are no longer willing to accept the state of being a victim and that you have chosen that you won’t give away your personal power, integrity and worthiness.

Actions of your body:

Take a deep breath. Sounds simple and it is. When you focus on your breath, you give your body the opportunity for a short break. A deep breathe in provides the body, especially the brain, with much needed oxygen to work more effectively and find a better solution.

It also erects the body, which in return sends signals of confidence to the brain. If you can manage to put on a smile, even better, because that will send ‘happiness hormones’ to your body and helps to release physical tensions. It is ok to fake it; your brain doesn’t know and doesn’t care – the effect is the same.

If you can, walk (physically) away from the situation. A quick walk or a hard workout will help you channel the adrenalin that is released to fight or flight.

Have you got a trampoline? Get on to it and start jumping! Jumping and hopping (maybe on a swiss ball) also release hormones that get you back on the road to feeling better quickly and as a result forgiveness and happiness will come even more easily and effortlessly.

If you feel like punching something, punch your pillow, a punching bag or the couch. Whatever you need to do,  get rid of it and be mindful to let it go in a way that is safe for your body, mind and soul – it will help you to clear the way to forgiveness faster.

Actions of your mind:

Forgiveness is an act of imagination. Instead of seeing or visualising yourself getting angry, acting out or even getting physical, you can quickly imagine how you walk away from the situation, do something that soothes your soul or imagine yourself calming down.

Actions of your soul:

Forgiveness does not mean to suppress your feelings. Let them out. If you feel like screaming, get in the car, the toilet or somewhere else where you are by yourself and scream, stump your feet, get some relief. You will get a clear head and you can start to think of a better way to deal with the situation.

Forgiveness is a state of awareness. It is not about denial, but one of conscious choice.

By letting go of grudges, you will find yourself moving away from defining your worthiness by other people’s action. You will be able to draw on powerful resources that make you feel better, in tune with yourself and the universe.

As a result you will feel peaceful and in control of your feelings instead of being controlled by them. You will feel in charge and you are, because it is your own responsibility

The act of Forgiving

Forgiveness can be challenging for the very reason, that often it is not done in one go. Some events need to be forgiven daily before we can heal.

Forgiveness is a divine act that helps us to connect with our spirit, with who we really are. It is one way to experience ourselves and an opportunity to realise that we are spiritual beings who live in a physical body and have human emotions – and choice.

When I spoke to the elderly part in my family to wish them a Happy New Year, I asked whether they had made any New Year’s Resolutions.

The answers were quite shocking: “I am not setting any goals, I will take life as it comes.” or “Why would I want to make any resolutions, if I won’t achieve them anyway?”  or ” I have set resolutions before and did not achieve them. Why should it be different this time?”

So what are the ingredients for not only setting powerful goals, but also making sure you will accomplish them? The 3 Steps to Accomplish This New Year’s Resolutions may give you the answer you have been looking for.

1. Make sure your resolutions meet the S.M.A.R.T.I.E. conditions

When I hear that someone is not setting goals, a quote from Greg Anderson comes to my mind:

When we are motivated by goals that have deep meaning, by dreams that need completion, by pure love that needs expressing — then we truly live life.

I have met a number of people who told me that they find it stressful to set goals for themselves. They assume that goal setting is only for those who thrive to be successful, that it is something mysterious or even unethical.

“You gotta work hard for your money, son!” or “The one who flies high will eventually fall deep”, are sayings that support that thinking and I can imagine how ‘setting goals’ becomes a weird and mystic task, something that only bosses or the rich and famous do.

In “The Strangest Secret“, Earl Nightingale is talking about success and why so many people don’t achieve it. He says that “These people believe that their lives are shaped by circumstances, by things that happen to them, by exterior forces. They are auto directed people.”

There is  an expression that I heard on a number of personal development workshops that support that thought:

If you don’t have goals for yourself, others will have goals for you.

Benjamin A. Mays put it this way:

It must be born in mind that the tragedy of life does not lie in not reaching your goal. The tragedy of life lies in having no goal to reach.

Kahlil Gibran (“The Prophet“) said:

By losing your goal, you have lost your way.

So how do you set a powerful goal? First you have to make sure that it complies with the SMARTIE criteria:

S – Specific and Simple

Make it simple and specific. “I don’t want to be alone” is a simple statement, but it is far from being specific. With goal setting it is important to say what you want, not what you don’t want.

Have you ever heard the expression “What you focus on is what you get”? That’s what Specific and Simple is about: Say not what you don’t want, but what you want. Focus on the positive.

How would you like not to be alone? Do you want a partner, a lover, children, grand children, a friend, be part of a club or the community? What do you want, specifically?

M – Measurable

This one goes hand in hand with the one above. “I want more money” is simple, positive and more or less specific, but it is not measurable. How much is more? Is it one dollar or 10, 100 or thousands?

Make sure there is a number involved. In case it can’t be measured by numbers, imagine a scale from 1-10, where 10 is where you want to be. What are the criteria that need to be fulfilled for you to be at a 10? Write them down as a tick-off list.

A – Achievable and Attainable by you, As if now

Again, make it your goal, one that you can achieve by yourself. It is not about your partner, family, child or the world, it is not someone else’s goal, it is yours!

Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. And today? Today is a gift. That’s why we call it the present. – Babatunde Olatunji

Some languages have no grammar for future or past. They totally live in the here and now. Use present tense when you write down your goal. “I am…, I have…” are the most powerful words on earth, in any language.

R – Realistic

If you have set goals before and not achieved them, maybe they have been set too high. Making a million in a year could be a bit challenging if you are earning 50.000 a year and have no savings and no plan.

On the other side, if you have always achieved your goals without effort, challenge your self. Stretch a little further than comfortable, you will grow into it.

T – Time frame

Give your goal a time frame, have a date involved. “By December 31st 2010 …” or “the 15th of May2015…” will make your goal even more measurable, specific and easy to plan for.

I – Inspirational

Often money comes up in goal setting. But is it really about the money? I don’t think so. Generally it is about what you can or want to do with the money. What is it that inspires you to get up? What motivates you to persevere when times get tough?

When a goal is not about money but what really inspires you, you may suddenly find other ways to achieve it.

Be open and allow the universe or God to provide for you in whatever way they may think is appropriate. Extend your opportunities by making your goal inspirational.

E – Evidence and Endstep

What is the final thing that needs to happen for you to know that you have achieved your goal? What is the picture that you see, what do you hear or tell yourself, how do you feel?

What is the evidence that proofs you have made it? For example when do you know you have lost enough weight? Is it when you see a certain number standing on your scale? When you fit in your favourite dress or pants? When you have achieved a certain fat percentage? Or when the tape measure shows a specific number?

Make your Evidence and Endstep very clear and involve as many senses as possible: see, hear, feel, smell or taste your success.

2. Check whether they stand the C.A.R.Y. criteria

By now your goals or resolutions should be very powerful already.

Check again whether they stand the CARY criteria with these four questions:

C – Is your goal or resolution something you can CONTROL?
A – Is this goal what this is really ABOUT?
R – Is this goal something that you REALLY want?
Y – Are you doing this for YOURSELF?

If you say “YES!” to all four, congratulations. You are only one step away from accomplishing this year’s resolutions. Here is the final step:

3. Create a strategy that supports you when the going gets tough

Our goals can only be reached through a vehicle of a plan, in which we must fervently believe, and upon which we must vigorously act. There is no other route to success. – Stephen A. Brennan

When we study why most people fail to accomplish their new year’s resolutions, two things again and again come up as obviously being the main reasons for will later be called failure:

Lack of plan and lack of action.

Brian Tracy said:

The most important key to achieving great success is to decide upon your goal and launch, get started, take action, move.

By now you have decided on your goal. In order to launch, to start your journey, it is important to have a GPS or roadmap.

What is your strategy? Will you go by foot, bike, car, ship, plane? Will you need a partner or a team? What kind of equipment is necessary? Have you got enough power or fuel? Where will you stay or have a rest? Do you need to book something in advance? What if there are unexpected road works, delays, or other obstacles? Have you got a Plan B?

Having a functional strategy is a crucial ingredient to accomplish a goal. It will help you to stay on track or get back on it easily after you have hit a hitch.

One word about obstacles: when you are on your way, it may excite you to hear that humps are in fact a good sign. They mean that you are moving towards your goal, because otherwise you would not come across them. The more you hit, the better. With each one it is more likely that after the next you will bump into your goal.

Keep on going, persevere! Remember what inspired you to set the goal in first place. You have made your goal inspirational, have you?

When a goal matters enough to a person, that person will find a way to accomplish what at first seemed impossible. – Nido Qubein

Still, I understand that sometimes everything seems to be too hard. It is challenging to keep the motivation high when all you see is stop signs.

Here is one more secret weapon to accomplish any resolution or goal once and for all:

Find yourself someone who will

• hold you accountable,
• help you to design your strategy,
• lift you up when you’re feeling down,
• keep the faith in you when you don’t,
• cheer when do,
• help you to reconnect with your resources when you think you have none left,
• give you a kick when you need it most and no one else would dare to do it,
• care for you but is not emotionally attached to you,
• make sure you will walk the talk

This can be a really good friend, a remote relative, a colleague or professional in the same industry, a mentor or a coach. Make sure that they know what you want to achieve and why, how you want them to hold you accountable, what would motivate you and what would not.

Athletes and other professionals are choosing coaches for a reason, a season or a lifetime. You can too. Accountability Coaching is one of the powerful strategies we at Transition Guidance use to make sure you will accomplish this year’s resolutions and make 2010 your best year ever.

What are your resolutions or goals for this year?
How do you make sure you accomplish them?
How will you celebrate your success?

Please leave your comment below for the inspiration of others. Who knows, maybe you will be able to hook up with someone like-minded?

“Have you heard there is a recession? – Townsville is not participating!”

Those are the words I recently saw on a sticker on a car. Now I know that the owner of the car is the regional director and the printer of the sticker is a member of a powerful referral networking group that I personally belong to too, and that this quote represents the attitude of most of BNI‘s members anyway.

However, I also noticed that not every person in business in Townsville (or elsewhere) is aware of that – yet.

Is there a recession?
Townsville Chamber of Commerce and the Small Business Development Centre organised a networking event with an economist, when the hype was at a high. Steven Shepherd, Chief Economist for the Yellow Pages, explained the participants which numbers and KPI (key performance indicators) would indicate a recession.

Although I am not really familiar with economic specifications, I did grasp that neither Townsville specifically nor Queensland or Australia in general match recession indicators. So far so good.

So why all that excitement …
in the media about recession? Well, you may have guessed it already – because it sells of course!

Good for newspapers, online and TV channels. And good for ‘effecters’. “What is an effecter?”, you might ask.

What is an ‘effecter?
An ‘effecter’ is what I call a person who is living ‘at effect’. A person who lives at effect is always re-acting to people and events. They are almost always (and this is the only exception for them to be pro-active!) on the lookout for reason and excuses for why they are not succeeding or are not achieving their goals.

Recognising an ‘effecter’
You hear them say things like: “If it wasn’t for my husband/wife/children/boss/parents/friends/environment/teacher/the economy…. I would be/do/have….my ideal weight/my dream job/a bigger house/boat/car/whatever….., but because of ..[pick any supposed scapegoat].., I don’t.”

The consequence
For effecters, the media always offer the perfect alibi. Lately the ‘recession’ came in very handy as an excuse not to achieve targets or perform as expected. But unfortunately both sides, employees and employers  are only fooling themselves by blaming outside circumstances.
Pointing outside oneself, finding reasons and excuses and always blaming external circumstances means giving away power. It also causes people  to feel helpless, overwhelmed, out of control and dependent or vulnerable, which again results in internal and unconscious conflicts. Then again internal or unconscious conflict is among the Top-Ten causes to experience stress.

Living ‘at Cause’
Now while it is always convenient to point outside, the real cause can never be found externally.

The secrets of people who achieve their personal and professional goals are simple:

1. They always have one more reason why they can than excuses why they can’t.
This means that they do not stress about the things that they can’t change (everything that is outside their direct sphere of influence), do their best to change what is within reach and usually have the awareness to distinguish one from the other.

2. If possible, they avoid the news or choose carefully
When at age 16 I told my father that I am neither reading the local paper nor watch or listen to the news on TV or radio, he nearly fainted and fell off his chair. Although apart from a few exceptions I stuck with my statement (and still do), news that are somehow important to me, always find a way to come to my attention. This can be through friends or colleagues, a forwarded e-mail or an article or comment I stumble upon during an online research.

This might seem a bit extreme, but consider only to read information that directly and immediately impacts you or your business or that you choose to act on. What would be left if you chose to only read, listen to or watch news that match the following criteria:
a) they relate to a subject you (need or choose to) study in order to make a decision
b) they concern something you can (and want to) change
c) they help you to achieve your goals
d) they are is uplifting, positive and encouraging

3. They focus on important and relevant information
Every second, our senses are bombarded with 2 million bits of information per second. Letting all those bits in, would cause our conscious mind to literally overload. We are simply unable to process that much information. It has to be reduced to around 134 bits, which translates to 7 +/- two chunks of information. For example a phone number can have 8-10 bits – the single numbers – which make one chunk.

The rest is deleted, distorted or generalised through internal ‘filters’, like beliefs, memories, values, attitudes, decisions, language and ‘meta-programs’. It influences the triad of Internal Representation (what we think/Mind), State (how we feel/Spirit) and Physiology (the physical expression/Body). This triad is the foundation for our behaviour, our actions and our non-actions.

If you knew that what you focus on is what you get, which five to nine chunks of information would you allow to pass through your filters?

Imagine you’d only let important and relevant information in (and out!), wouldn’t that take a lot of worry and stress out of your life already?

4. They have an own opinion
It is much easier to influence people who rely on or are attracted to sensations, gossip, rumour and scandals than those who have their own view on things and take their lives in their own hands.

Have you ever realised how calm and balanced people seem to be who have their own opinion and know what they are talking about?

If they find a cause worth fighting for which they are passionate about, they become great influencers and often make an impact that can (and does) change the world – like Nelson Mandela, Mahatma Ghandi or even Oprah Winfrey. Those people are leaders, which means they have followers who often adopt their role model’s opinion.

Having an own opinion can initially be stressful, the more it deviates from the ‘norm’, but as soon as people start to follow, it becomes outstandingly rewarding.

5. They surround themselves with positive energy
Some people get a kick out of spreading or consuming bad news. The front page news are the highlight of the day. They are discussed, circulated, ‘thought through’ and ruminated again and again.

Imagine how much negative energy is multiplied through that kind of action. Maybe you have experienced going to a room where people just had a violent confrontation or even an argument. Couldn’t you just tell by the vibration in the room that something was going on? And didn’t you feel tempted to escape that negative energy as soon as possible?

Studies have shown that patients recover much faster, easier and sustainable after surgery, if the team of surgeons, nurses and anaesthetists talk encouragingly, positively and cheeringly during the patient’s unconsciousness.

There is a saying that we become like the five people we most hang out with.

Would you rather be surrounded by frustration, fear, feelings of scarcity, jealousy and depression or encouragement, support, compassion, up-lifting ideas and reinforcement, inspiration or empowerment? Which are you providing?

And which environment is more likely to provide harmony and relaxation?

The responsibility of a coach is not to be n.i.c.e, but to assist you to find the truth. This includes asking unpleasant questions, holding you accountable to agreed-upon actions and provoking thought, change or new beliefs that help you to move towards your desired outcome.

It is definitely easier to play safe and be nice, and that is exactly the reason why just reading a book or talking to a friend most often do not get the results you are looking for.

A book is not holding you accountable and a friend very rarely is strong, courageous, emotionally unaffected and experienced enough to guide you through all the necessary steps a coached is trained to lead you through, so you can come up with what is the right answer for you.